I'm Struggling with My Weight Right Now

You aren't supposed to care about a number on a scale.  We all know that, right?

In all honesty, I don't super care about that number, but I kind of do.  Why?

Because I know what my body feels like at that number.  And I don't like it.  I don't even have to get on the scale to know just about where I'm at on that number line.  I'm like the weird carnie that can guess weight (I will say that this only holds true to my own weight, so never fear).  I know what the number will be, because of how my body feels.  

I definitely don't think that any one should feel like a hostage to a certain number on a scale.  And I also don't think any one should feel negatively towards themselves because their body doesn't feel awesome 24/7.

This is where I need to give myself some grace.

The past month or so for me has been a hard one.  I've been struggling in a few other areas in my life and it's been showing up in a physical way.  I am sleeping less, struggling to get through my workouts, stress eating, and basically trying not to be a grumpy B all the time.  This has led to me gaining a few pounds.

I'm guessing that most folks wouldn't even notice.  My husband routinely tells me he can't tell a difference...I'm pretty sure he has to say that, right?  I can imagine how the scene would go if he said anything different.

"Hey sweetie, those pants look awful tight.  You might want to put down that brownie."  

"Hey sweetie, have you seen my butcher knife?"

Or something like that....

Again, I'm sure no one notices, but I sure as hell do.

It's hard to give yourself grace when you know you can do better.  Or at least you feel like you should do better.  I hate that word, "should".  

It's hard to give yourself grace when you feel like you are failing in almost every area of your life.

It's hard to give yourself grace when you are consumed with guilt, shame, and fear.

Sometimes a little pep talk is all I need to get me going again.  Or at least some kind of funny meme (this one is my favorite).  This time it feels harder.  This time it feels like I am supposed to learn something.  Bummer.

I've definitely been in "ruts" before.  Coming back from vacation, missing a few workouts, or having indulgent holidays can make it difficult to get back on track.  There are ups and downs.  That's just life.

This time, my "rut" has more to do with my own self-acceptance and that crazy lady in my head.  I think the more I can learn about giving myself a break, the less I will manifest the physical negatives like anxiety, emotional eating, sleeplessness, lack of motivation, etc. etc.

I've been reading a new book by Brene Brown called Rising Strong.*  It has opened my eyes to the way I talk to myself and how my conversations and relationships with others are shaped by those stories I tell myself.  It's been amazing to see how the conversation in my head has changed.  I hold a lot of shame over myself.  I have a difficult time accepting who I am and that I truly am good enough.

So, what now?

I will continue to work out.  I will continue to do my best to eat healthy.  I will continue to go to bed early.  I will continue to breathe.  I will continue to live life.

I will also work on paying attention to my feelings.  I will work on letting go of that number on the scale and just be who I am.  I will work on understanding that yelling at my kids or husband, eating a thousand cookies or bowls of popcorn, or beating myself up for doing any of those things will not solve anything.

I will work on self-acceptance.

I know this will absolutely not happen over night.  As a matter of fact, I have a good feeling that I will be working on this for the rest of my life.  

I will work on being OK with that too.

*This book is awesome.  Seriously.  It has taken me forever to read this book because of how much I've stopped and re-read things that have spoken to me so deeply.  If you struggle at all with the voice in your head or want to improve communication in your relationships, read this book.  I got my copy from the library, but I absolutely want my own to take notes and highlight like crazy!

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